The Rise of the Glossier Intellectual

It’s you, but better! You have strong bushy eyebrows and high cheekbones and a face so dewy it could have been submerged in a river literally seconds ago. Your pores are sort of there, but not really. The sun is shining through your skull the way it would through the hind leg of an Italian greyhound. You are wearing a lip balm flavoured like the sort of food that exists on Twitter and not real life. It is 2017 and you have given yourself over to Emily Weiss’s cult of Glossier.