The Unlived Life

In 2012, the British psychoanalyst Adam Phillips wrote a book called “Missing Out.” Its subtitle is “In Praise of the Unlived Life.” The paths we have not chosen, Phillips argues, are as much a part of our lives as the paths we did decide to take. The fantasies of each person — the things we dream of, ruminate on, and wish for — “are often more important to us than our so-called lived lives.” For every self we have decided to become, there are unliving selves beneath the surface. When we get a glimpse of such an unliving, or alternate self, or the chance to live it for a brief time, the longing it ignites can be unbearable.