Freshman Fifteen? I’ll Raise You a Sophomore Sixty

With the advent of springtime here in the Northeast, you’ve undoubtedly begun to think about developing the base tan and rippling hard body needed for success at the beach.

Unfortunately, if you’re like most of your peers—an estimated 96 percent of them, according to always-authoritative Wikipedia—you’ve spent the previous 365 days gaining the dreaded freshman 15. This annual form of bulking is now so ubiquitous it extends beyond high school and college freshmen to all of the rest of you, “kids at heart” who are part of a millennial youth movement grown old and stout.